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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24985372">Little reason</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lemon_pH/pseuds/Lemon_pH'>Lemon_pH</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Of reasons [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ambiguous/Open Ending, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Not Beta Read</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 02:01:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,367</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24985372</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lemon_pH/pseuds/Lemon_pH</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After a shore leave and a scene in a bar, where Leonard left with a beauty that wasn't Jim, the latest comes to terms with his own feelings.<br/>The problem is not to admit them to himself, but to live with the consequences. At least while he is allowed. Problem? Bones isn't the one to take Jims shitty attitude.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Of reasons [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1808614</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Little reason</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This actually is a continuation from <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22848676">'No reason'</a>. The bar scene. I hope this can be read as a standalone.<br/>Was this needed? No. But I had the urge to finish it on a happy tune.<br/>Not beta red, I apologise for all the mistake.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>*** </p><p>It's not like it was a total disaster, Jim thought, lounging in the bed and looking at the ceiling of his cabin on the Enterprise. They had a good time, at least the beautiful redhead didn’t complain. Or she didn’t want to hurt his feelings. As if they were so fragile. Phst. So no, they had a good time, at least she had. And after the marvelous star and the hunky middle, the finish was good. Not mind blowing. Just - good. Every encounter couldn't and, Jim believed, actually shouldn’t blow his mind. Then he would probably be brain dead by now. And he wasn’t, thank you very much, contrary to Bones nagging. </p><p>So the main problem was  - Leonard. </p><p>Jim wasn’t against, shouldn't be against Bones finding some company for the night, least of all at the shore leave. After all he was allowed to do that, same should go the other way. Easy, logical. </p><p>But that didn’t change the fact that he had to find out the hard way, not being hard enough, that he probably was in love with the said man. The hard way had to be pretty embarrassing, but it seemed nature or his subconscious couldn’t make him pay his mind otherwise to the issue, than making him unable to come. At least not with the right, specific image in front of his closed eyes. </p><p>Jim had been in his own bed for hours now already, when he finally reached the conclusion, the root of the problem. He loved Bones. He didn’t have a lot of a desire to be with others. Not that he couldn't. He could, but it didn’t feel as good. And Jim had always been about what feels good. </p><p>Other people did excite hm. He could admire beauty when he saw it, he wanted to touch, but like in an appraising way. Like one would want to touch a beautiful artifact. Jim had touched those quite a lot, he knew the feeling. </p><p>His clue probably should have been when he started to compare his bedmates with Bones. Not in a bad way, just - what would Bones do if we did it like this? Or - oh, Bones would blush at this. Or - Bones would never ever do that - would he? </p><p>But as he was James T. Kirk, he ignored his own wandering thoughts. Until tonight. Now he could admit that he had been jealous to the point he couldn’t think straight. </p><p>The girl picked him up, they left the bar. She was good. He wasn’t. His thought had been muddy - Oh, is Bones doing this? Is Bones doing that? She even asked if he...he!...wanted to stop. That did serve as a wakeup call. </p><p>When he couldn’t finish, she said that it happened to men from time to time. She could help. Oh that was embarrassing, but she did go down on him and Jims’ mind was helpful for once as it substituted her with the image of Bones. </p><p>They laughed it off. Blamed too much to drink, but Jim knew better. They parted, he couldn’t take it any longer and requested to be beamed up. He didn’t want to stay planeside. </p><p>He needed a plan. Now that he had analyzed the situation, found the problem, he needed a plan. Sure, he could tell Bones he wanted them to be exclusive. But even Jim couldn’t be such a hypocrite. He was the one with the legendary tendency to smile at anything that moves. True, if they saw Leonard McCoys’ smile, Jim could howl to the moon, he wouldn’t get any. But that was beside the point. </p><p>But his tendency to smile at anyone didn’t mean he slept with everyone he met. Those were diplomatic missions and they couldn't and shouldn’t be resolved through bed. That tended to go wrong in more cases than comfortable. </p><p>So, Jim did the same as anyone. When they had a shore leave he went to a bar, for example, picked up or got picked up by anonymous person (or in some occasions multiple) and had sex then. Other times he had Bones. Starfleet couldn’t expect a 5 year  celibacy of their captain! Ok, they could think they would want that, but that wasn't how things worked. </p><p>He couldn’t tell Bones, burden him for one more reason. Jim remembered when Bones told him that he doesn’t want an exclusive relationship anymore. Given it was at Academy and a short time after his divorce, but Jim figured he was right. Bones hadn’t had the carless youth. He and Jocelyn dated, got married. Bones had work and other shit. Bones was more married to his work than wife, so he probably didn’t have the tie for other conquests. The n Johanna was born, so another responsibility. And then the divorce, and Jim, and Starfleet. </p><p>So no, it seemed to Jim that Bones deserved to feel wanted. And not only by one person. In order for him to feel good about himself. Everyone should have that assurance. Jim knew he wouldn't be able to provide. After all he was just one person. </p><p>True, for the sake of argument Jim could be pointed out that he himself had come to the conclusion that for now, for him one person was enough. Why were he and Leonard different? Their circumstances and background was different. </p><p>That left only one opinion. Keep his mouth shut and his feelings under control. But to do the last part, he decided to avoid McCoy. Not for long, Jim decided, just for him to get every emotion under control. Spock could help him. Or assure Jim he can’t do it, because he’s human. </p><p>So that was the plan. Avoid McCoy for a week tops. Bottle everything up. Get back to normal. </p><p>A good plan. </p><p>Jim already knew it will all go to hell, but he didn’t have a choice. Some emergency will probably happen in that time and give him the reason no to talk to the good doctor more than  - Bridge to Medical. </p><p>*** </p><p>It didn’t work that way, of course it didn’t. For once in his fakin live Jim wanted some stupid life threatening emergency. But no! No shipwide emergencies, no outer threats. Not even an explosion in the engineering. Actually that was good, because if something happened there it usually was a life and death situation. </p><p>In short - nothing to take his mind off the things at hand. And it turned out - the more you try no to think of something  - of someone the more you think of them. </p><p>Jim saw Spock get up, announced that he’ll go to science labs now, and turned back to watch Chekovs’ head, as he heard the hiss of the turbolift. </p><p>It has been two and a half weeks since last saw… </p><p>-What crawled up your ass and died there!- the good doctor Leonard McCoy. He didn’t think someone had come in when he heard the lift, damn it! A big mistake. </p><p>But he was the captain, he couldn't show any weakness, so he didn’t even turn his head, so he didn’t see that Spock had actually stayed behind. Bones probably looked furious, if the sweet hiss in his ear was any indication. </p><p>-Doctor,- Jim tried for some authority. He couldn’t let his subordinates go snap at him at their leisure. If Bones was a man who knew the boundaries, there were others that didn’t. -Don’t forget who you are addressing.- </p><p>That should do it. </p><p>-My apologies, sir.- If someone could make it sound like an insult it sure was Bones. Jim cursed himself for even opening his mouth. </p><p>-What I wanted to say was - what had crawled up your ass and died there, captain,- emphasis on the last word. And a bit louder. If the first one was spoken quiet, then this one Jim could feel Bones standing ramrod straight besides him. Now, it seems, he had managed to make Bones angry. More angry. Ok, so - give me my respect - didn’t work on Bones, what a surprise. Still Jim had to save his face. And in times like these humor was all that was left. </p><p>-Who said it's dead?- Jim didn’t look at Bones, but did allow the corner of his mouth to turn up, teasingly. He heard the sharp intake of breath. Bones did sound shocked. Good? </p><p>-Jim, please, don’t tell me you got a tapeworm.- </p><p>Either Bones was taking him seriously, or played along. Good Bones, if the later was true. If the first one was true, he should order him to be checked out. But it did give Jim an opening. </p><p>-I’m sorry, doctor, it hasn't made it’s species known yet. But as soon as I’ll find out, I’ll let you know.- Now, could he be so kind and leave Jim alone? </p><p>-No, no. You are the captain of the Enterprise, I must insist you come to the MedBay right this instant.- </p><p>It was a lot. A progress. He wasn’t sedated the second Bones came out of the lift, nor after the tapeworm joke. So it wasn’t as bad. </p><p>-I’m on a shift doctor.- Ha, take that! </p><p>Everyone on the Bridge at this time probably knew they were making a spectacle. Again. Bones insists Jim talks to him, Jim refuses. Everything under a disguise of awkward conversation. </p><p>-May I suggest,- Spock seemed to have decided that enough is enough, -right after the shift? In two hours.- Jim would like to at least try to strangle him at this time. He hated Spock when he teamed up with Bones of all people. </p><p>Leonards’ seemed to assess the situation. Jim still didn’t look at him. He had signed all the paperwork Bones sent him, but not reading it through. How did Leonard know it? He sent a report, inner one, so no one at Starfleet Command would raise an eye, where, between all the otherwise normal and boring stuff he had written - James loves to be fed chocolates in bed. And that didn’t get any reaction. </p><p>So Jim was not only ignoring him, but everything relating to him, and that could be dangerous. He could get over few unanswered com calls. But not the neglect of his duties. And that had everything that he had to talk to Jim, preferably in private, but Jim didn’t answer his calls, he ghosted when Leonard tried to find him is his room. So what was left? Surprising the captain on the bridge. </p><p>-I’ll be waiting for you in my office in two hours then, captain.- For now Jim was off the hook. But everyone on the Bridge knew he had made that appointment, and god help him if he didn’t show up. </p><p>Jim waived dismissively. </p><p>-I’ll be there.- </p><p>Jim heard the hiss of the turbolift doors, but didn’t relax. After all he had been fooled once already. </p><p>Silence stretched, everyone seemed ok. </p><p>Was he that obvious, that Spock had to intervene? </p><p>-He got you, boss.- Sulu commented finally, not taking his eyes off the screens and Jim just sighted. Yeah, McCoy got him. Got him good. </p><p>-So that means I can’t pretend that didn’t happen?- </p><p>-No, Captain. It is a high probability that the doctor will ask us where you are.- Chekov stated. </p><p>-And we will rat you out in a second, because no one wants to feel McCoys’ irk.- Uhura snickered. </p><p>Jim sighted again. It just felt like such a day. </p><p>-And here I thought that my team should have my back.- </p><p>-Any time, Captain, just not against McCoy, - smile could be heard in Sulus’ voice, -Have you seen him with a hypo? Downright scary.- Jim felt his mouth twitch in a smile. They used barbed words to show their care and affection to one another. He could understand that. That lighthearted teasing. That didn’t change the fact that in any crisis situation they were loyal to the bone. </p><p>And on the issue of bones. He had managed to avoid his CMO. Sure, he looked over and approved McCoys’ requirements for supplies. He just ignored any personal contact. Looking now around himself he could almost feel how that had affected him. He dragged his hand across his face. </p><p>-Has it been so bad?- He asked. </p><p>-Spock was going to mention something was amiss if the good doctor hadn’t shown up.- Uhura turned to her captain. </p><p>God so it had been obvious. He should be thankful that they didn’t run into any major problems. He will have to talk to Bones, if he was this out of it, he’d put everyone on the ship at risk. Captain had to be ready in any situation, he couldn’t be human, at least not confused over such trivial fact that he seemed to be unable to come without thinking of his CMO. </p><p>*** </p><p>-Now I know something happened.- McCoy looked at Jim like he had grown a second head, when he walked in the MedBay the minute after his shift had ended. -Who are you and what did you do to our Captain?- </p><p>-Bones, please, this isn’t funny. And I’m not in the mood.- Jim really, really wanted this to end. As fast and as painless as possible. </p><p>Bones relented, nodding his head he gestured to Jim to come into his office. This wasn't fair, it was his territory, but beggars couldn't be choosers. </p><p>-You wanted to talk I assume?- Jim asked the minute the door shut. </p><p>Bones just gave him PADD and pointed to read it. </p><p>Jim felt his ears go hot. </p><p>-I would say it’s not quite true, you know I don’t like messy sheets, but this is quite inappropriate in the given context.- Jim tried to keep his cool. He was a professional in stressful situations. </p><p>-Look at the signature.- And Jim did. It was his, alright. </p><p>-I don’t quite understand this joke and the funny part eludes me.- Should he be annoyed? Or he should be scared? Jim was neither. He was in that strange between when one was when he couldn’t decide what emotion was appropriate in the given situation. </p><p>-I know it’s not a good practice to do something like this. It is even childish, I have to admit,- </p><p> <em>“No shit Bones.” </em>Jim kept his mouth shut. </p><p>-But you didn’t answer my calls, you ignored me and you even ignored me as your CMO asking are you alright. So yes, i came up with a stupid stunt to understand are you even reading the what comes out of medical, and it turns out - you’re not. And believe me Jim when I say, I can bear you not talking to me, I can bear you ignoring me, but I can’t bear to see you ignoring your duties. If I had gotten a strongly worded letter from you about that, I would understand it. Damn, I would even prefer that, but this? Jim, I don’t know when it happened to you, is it something that I had done or is it something in your own head, but for now I am your CMO, and I would like to know I can trust my captain. Right now - I’m not too sure.- </p><p>Jim was quiet. He didn’t look at Leonard, he read carefully the file he had skipped over. It wasn’t that he didn’t do that regularly, but Leonard was right at least in one aspect. He had been so much in his head, that he didn’t want to see anything that had McCoys’ name on it, so he mostly just signed the damn reports knowing that the doctor was always at his best. </p><p>-I trust you.- Jim raised his eyes.  That’s why I may sometimes skip over some things. I know you’ll just write the truth and if you need new medicine, if you request it, I take it you have a good reason. Never in my experience you have asked for things just like that, just for the sake of asking, so yes, I may sometimes skip your reports and just sign them. I need to reread Scotty’s’ more carefully, he could ask for a whole galaxy.- </p><p>Leonard looked at the man as he went to his desk and put the PADD down there. </p><p>-Jim, sorry. I..I didn’t think. I…- </p><p>-You were just worried. I understand.- Tired. That was what he felt. He had tried to suppress his inner turmoil, he had tried to smolder the tender feelings that were stretching for Bones. He had tried, and now he didn’t feel angry, he didn’t feel too sad, just tired. </p><p>-And it’s not like you didn’t have a reason. I have to admit, I didn’t read this trough. And I have been avoiding you, and you’re right - that doesn’t work between captain and his CMO.- </p><p>Bones looked so lost, so guilty, at least in the sense Jim thought of guilty Bones look. </p><p>-Jim, if you want me to…- </p><p>He didn’t finish the sentence, because Jim didn’t let him. He had finally reached the conclusion. One that could slice the knot he felt around his neck. </p><p>-We should stop having sex.- Jim was standing with his back to Bones, moved to his table, around his friend. His fingers caressing the smooth surface of the desk. Eyes downcast. </p><p>-That is - our fuck buddy relationship.- Jim raised his eyes. Just a second, then he will be able to turn back to Bones, look him in the eyes and not fall apart. He was so tired. Tired of feeling like this - like nothing. </p><p>Silence. Bones didn’t comment. Jim had that little time he needed, just enough to turn around, to look Bones in the eyes and...how the hell Leonard McCoy could be a doctor, if he wore his heart on his sleeve. How Jim could be so blind and not see it sooner. He loved Leonard. Not only the sex part, though that too was good. He liked when they could be silent and feel content, he liked when they could eat a meal together and Bones would grumble about some Ensign, who had a tiny scratch, but came to Medical to have it treated. He liked how Bones had his back, but most of all he loved that Bones trusted him. He loved that Bones came to him when he was tired or sad and he managed to make him smile, or just managed to calm him down. He loved that Leonard McCoy first of all chose him to come to on his bad days. His good days were excellent, but the bad ones were those that actually counted. He loved that Bones wasn’t afraid of his title and stood his ground. If Jim did something stupid, he could count on McCoy to be the voice of the reason. He didn’t want to lose it. Sex was a good stress reliever, true. But was it worth it? Was it worth to have even a slightest chance to lose what they already had? True, it hadn’t been an issue till now. But they could get it somewhere else. </p><p>-Jim,- it seemed Bones had found his footing and voice. -I...okay. If that is what you wish.- </p><p>Bones just took a breath but in that moment it hurt. Jim knew he wouldn't meet resistance, but it still hurt that Leonard didn’t try to keep him. Unreasonable, again. It was for the best, and Jim knew perfectly well, that Bones, of all the fakin people in the world would honor his decision and wishes, but it still hurt. <em>“I knew I meant nothing to you. I just have to get used to it, when you are my everything.”,</em> </p><p>-But can I ask what compelled this decision?- Yeah, that’s why he didn’t want to talk to Bones about it. He asked questions. True, it affected him too. He had the right, bit Jim felt it would be easier if he would be allowed to go to his room and sulk till he felt better. Because he could get better. </p><p>-Because of this.- He patted the table besides the PADD. -You see the consequences here, Bones. I can’t keep my head straight with you, and I think it affects our professional relationship.- </p><p>He saw his reasoning hit home. He saw that it wasn’t what Leonard had expected. Angry as he was he probably didn’t expect angry sex either, but not this. </p><p>-Jim.- God, why was it so hard, why did it feel like he himself had ripped his heart out of his ribcage and was showing it in the grinder right now. </p><p>-Do you need me to step down from my post?- It was offered in kindness. Jim felt like he could cry. God, he didn’t want to inflict that pain on Leonard. He...he felt like a mess. Like he knew he did the right thing and he wanted to take his words back. He wanted to let Bones go and he wanted to cling to him. Maybe Bones deserved the truth after all? That way he would see Jim reasoning, he would understand how utterly devastated he felt. Jim slumped back to McCoys’ desk, rubbed at his eyes a bit. </p><p>-No. That won’t be necessary. You’re an excellent CMO, and I would be a terrible captain, if I’d let you go. Bones, please, I...you have to understand. I don’t want you to go, or neither do I want things to be awkward between us, but I understand that they will be. After all this time…- </p><p>-Yeah, Jim. Like what? Five years? It’s going to be awkward.- </p><p>-Bones, please, just...I won’t be able to take this, if you’ll get angry with me, just, for a second, please.- He looked at McCoy and something in his expression made McCoy shut up and listen. </p><p>-I know it has been a long time and I’ve been happy with us and it worked but...things have changed and this,- Jim cast eyes to the PADD again, -this just shows that this can’t continue on. What if the next time we don’t talk it’s something important? What if I miss something of importance just because I saw you leave the bar with some blonde and..- He had to shut his mouth. That won’t lead to good. </p><p>-And what, Jim?- </p><p>Bones sounded a bit closer, timid and sad at the same time. </p><p>-And I don’t talk to you for two weeks just because I get jealous?- Jim looked him in the eye. Leonard for once looked schooled. He didn’t gasp, he didn’t step back, he didn’t faint and he didn’t laugh. He looked like he wanted to say something, so Jim interrupted before he even could. </p><p>-I love you. Not that you don’t know it, but like I have really fallen for you. To the point where I don’t want anyone else but you. And that’s not fair to you. You like your fun and I liked it for so long too, but now when I see you with someone else all I want to do is go and snitch you back, and hiss at them, to get their paws of what’s mine. And that is affecting my job.- So this was it, he had laid himself bare in front of Leonard. Somehow he felt secure that Bones will trample his heart as carefully as he can. So that it will hurt the least. Just because that was Bones. </p><p>-James,- ok, that was out of character. Leonard used his name only when he was dead serious. -Have you not thought that I may be in the same boat?- </p><p>-I...yes, I thought of that, but I can’t ask that of you.- He couldn't find the right words. </p><p>-You think, that I can’t or don’t want to be in a monogamous relationship?- Jim shrugged, but yeah, that was basically what he thought. -I think I don’t have a right to ask you that.- He answered. </p><p>Bones came closer, but didn’t touch him. </p><p>-That may be true, but just for the sake of the argument - ask me.- Jim looked at him not understanding. </p><p>-Ask me to be just yours. You never tried, you know.- Leonard smiled a bit. </p><p>-A…- Jim was lost. He gripped the table edge. -If we don’t terminate our previous relationship, I would like for us to be exclusive.- Bones nodded, and Jim felt a bit more sure. -I know that it goes both ways and I on my part don’t want anyone else, just you.- There he said it. </p><p>-I accept.- Was Bones answer and he moved in Jims personal space, raised his hand to cup Jims’ cheek, hesitated for a bit, but as Jim didn’t move, cupped it gently. </p><p>-Just like that?- Jim felt small, unsure, but he put his hand on Bones, keeping him in place. </p><p>-Just like that. Oh, and for the record, that’s the end of friend with benefits or fuck buddies. Will you allow me to take you on the date on the next shore leave?- Jim nodded, not quite trusting his voice. </p><p>-Can I kiss you?- </p><p>Jim laughed but it did sound tired and teary even for him. They had kissed countless times, it wasn’t like Bones needed permission. Still it was good of him to ask. </p><p>-What if?- He had to ask. </p><p>-What if what, James?- He could admire Leonards self-control. </p><p>-What if you decide you want polygamy? What if I decide I want it back?- He couldn’t imagine it right now, but there always was a possibility. </p><p>-Then first of all we talk to each other. We talk that trough, and we decide. Together. Oh, and before you ask, if we will have a spat and we won't talk to each other, we still have to put our positions beforehand. If needed I’ll remind you if that. And you do the same. It may be the harder for me, though. Or we go to Spock.- Jim saw how serious Bones was. He nodded. </p><p>-So,- he had that smile, the one Jim thought he could kick that girl in the bar for, the one that turned everyones’s heads to Leonard McCoy. Jim felt light. Like everything was more or less in place. He didn’t know what will happen tomorrow, but he had today. They had today. </p><p>-So, can I kiss you?- </p>
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